


Jake Is A Dumbass

by LaughterWrites



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Sam's Club is a scary place for the small bean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-09-08 11:43:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8843407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaughterWrites/pseuds/LaughterWrites
Summary: Jake gets lost in a Sam's Club and Dirk is a worried bean





	

**Author's Note:**

> *DISCLAIMER*  
> This is my first DirkJake fic, my first time writing Jake and my third time writing Dirk.  
> Sorry if the characters are hella OOC  
> Also i've only ever once been in a sams club and Jake’s experience is a near exact reflection of mine. 
> 
> -REQUESTED BY KNIGHT OF TIME ON HOMESTUCK ANIMO: "DirkJake fic where they go to a store. It's Jake's first time somewhere that big and he quickly wanders off. Dirk starts frantically searching and finds him in the /weirdest/ place"
> 
> I took creative shortcuts.
> 
> -UNBETA'D AS OF RIGHT NOW-

Sam’s Club was a mistake. Not the establishment itself, you are quite fond of the murica’ ness of it all. Also bulk doritos have never been and will never be a mistake. No, the mistake was bringing certain English to said store. Stepping through the sliding doors seemed to be a near sensory overload for the poor kid. Three steps in and he looked like he was about to faint. Middle aged soccer moms judged you left and right. You grabbed your melodramatic boyfriend by the wrist and dragged him to the snack foods. He, of course, managed to stop at every try-me booth and gape at every slightly larger than normal item. You'd never think getting to the snacks could take twenty seven minutes and forty six seconds. The exact number was quickly provided by a very obnoxious AI who was just as quickly powered off. Of course the robo-brat knew how “statistically probable” this reaction was and took the half-second of power after you hit the button to completely block your vision. By opening three hundred and fourteen separate windows displaying various pompous puppet buttock and majestic equines. You're almost tempted to leave them open out of a mixture of spite and laziness but vision is much more appealing. No matter how defined that horse’s neck muscles are. You will not admire them.  
In hindsight you probably should have removed the glasses when clearing the lenses.  
In hindsight it was very ‘statistically probable’ that your boyfriend would be a dumbass.  
You manage to remove all buttock from your vision, equine and plush alike, and come face to face with a fat load of nothing where Jake was.  
You refrain from facepalming as hard as you'd like. Your sunglasses remain mercifully intact.  
You'd suppose he couldn't have gotten far, abandoning your cart you start pacing the aisles nearby. When that search is far short of fruitful you try places he may be. He's not by the ‘Hunting Accessories’, luckily. You're quite sure he would be disappointed in the teenaged employee’s complete inability to be helpful whatsoever.  
The kid couldn't tell a handgun from a rifle if they were pointed at his head.  
You're getting distracted.  
You make your way down aisle after aisle to no avail, he's not in the frozen foods, snack foods, any of your favorite foods, nowhere near any tech, he's not shooting stuffed animals and the predictable path of destruction left in his awed wake is nowhere to be found.  
You're pretty worried.  
He's probably gotten kicked out by now.  
Hell, kid’s so oblivious to basic fucking courtesy he's probably gotten arrested!  
This wouldn't even be the first time.  
I mean he's bailed you out too and-  
Your frantic mental ranting is cut short when you notice someone a bit too old for little kid’s birthday cakes pressed against the Bakery’s display.  
Jake, your little dork of a boyfriend, has his eye on just about the pinkest cake you've ever seen, the glimmer in his eye is enough to scream how outrageously unironic his fixation with the cake is.  
You sigh, poking him in the shoulder.  
“Jake what the hell.”  
He jumps up from the display and brushes off his ridiculous shorts.  
“Dirk! You've got to stop sneaking around like that, chum! You've plum frightened the dickens outta me!”  
You groan at him, rolling your eyes.  
“First- cool it with the dumb old-timey crap.”  
“Sorry,” he murmurs  
“And second,” you continue, “Are you seriously eying the princess cake, English?”  
His eyes are blown wide as his glasses.  
“N-no! I wasn't- I mean- It's some fine decorating and- The colors are very nicely done- my grandma never did like pink but I do think she'd like this one, don't you, chap? It's quite pretty I say, something Id want on a tie or something, maybe details on a-”  
“Jake, kindly hush.”  
His mouth snaps shut.  
“Listen Jake do you want the damn cake?” You refrain from lacing any mockery into the tone, although it's difficult.  
He shrugs  
“I mean… no? I'm no princess, Dirky pal but-”  
You swoop his legs out under him and hoist him into your arms bridal style. He squeaks in protest but you cut him off before he can whine at you.  
“C’mon your majesty let's get you the silly cake.”  
He smiles into your shirt, pretending to be hidden. You kiss the top of his head and whisper into his hair.  
“But if you run away like that one more time I will fucking stab you Jake don't even try me.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Jakes cake is based on this: 
> 
> https://www.google.com/search?q=Ken+doll+cake&client=safari&hl=en-us&prmd=isvn&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwicq5KTy_LQAhVG9GMKHUbPD_4Q_AUIBygB&biw=320&bih=460#imgrc=KGE5q4LF7Rl_FM%3A
> 
> If you comment something I'll love you forever
> 
> ♥︎


End file.
